Be brave, be strong, be free

Saturday 29th December started like most other weekends.  I was still tired from a busy Christmas plus I'd worked Thursday and Friday so I was looking forward to a sleep in.  I got up at 5am to walk the big dogs followed by our usual all in play session before breakfast and back to sleep.  Everyone was happy to chill but as the morning went on they were getting a bit restless, Cassie winding everyone up as she likes to do.  She kept yapping at me which was getting the others over excited so I finally decided to get up.  The pappy pants was right at my feet giving me a merry move along when I clapped my hands at her and told her to shush.  Before I knew what was happening, Veto flew in and went for her.  Because I was right there I was able to step in and grab him straight away.  He bit me but as soon as he realized it was me, he let go.  Cassie was understandably shaken so I got him outside and Cassie and I had a cuddle on the lounge while our heart rates returned to normal.  I was so relieved that she was OK.  I had come out of it worse than her but I would much rather that any day.  I was pissed off at myself for forgetting that I can never treat Ve like a normal dog.

Mid morning Rain had a physio appointment so I took her, Cassie and Ve out for a drive and to hang out while Rain got treated.  Colin and I were going out for lunch and I knew a trip out would help to settle them all before we went.  While we were there I was keeping a close eye on Ve.  Once he's had a reactive episode the likelihood it will happen again is much higher and there is always lots of food around during a physio session.  He was fine but looking back there did seem something a bit not right with him.  He was distant and unsure of himself.  At the time I just put it down to me being extra paranoid after what had happened earlier and I was watching him like a hawk.  All went well, the dogs were fine and we headed home so Colin and I could head out to lunch.  Ve got his usual lunchtime dose of Trazodone which he gets every day as part of his anxiety treatment before we left.  The Trazodone had been working really well to keep him much more calm and relaxed.

We were only gone a couple of hours but the dogs are always crazy with excitement when we get home, like all normal dogs.  Everyone went outside to toilet and settle which is our usual routine.  I wanted to make sure they were all OK so I went outside to see what they were doing.  I am always mindful of being on the ground because Ve can resource guard me so I was leaning back against a table while they wandered around.  Ve lay down on the ground a few feet away and Rain went over to him to see if he wanted to play.  She wasn't over the top or in his face, it was a very gentle, playful nudge.  Something she had done countless times since she has joined us.  Normally he can't resist and off they go for a play.  But whatever issue was simmering under the surface in Ve's head that day went off with a bang.  He went for Rain with a vengeance and full on attacked her.  Rain was as shocked as I was and she started screaming.  In a couple of steps I was able to grab him and pull him off.  I got bitten again but I didn't care.  Colin came rushing out and helped Rain while I got Ve away where he could calm down away from the others.  Poor Rain just wanted me.  She was so upset and there was blood everywhere.  With the ferocity of the attack and amount of blood I was panicking and thought he had seriously hurt her.  Once I had cleaned her up I was very relieved to see that the damage was only to her ear and then quite minimal.  The mental scarring is another thing all together so I tried to support and comfort her as best as I could while she calmed down.  
  

It was at that point that Colin and I realized that this could not go on any longer.  We could not continue to put the other dogs at risk, never knowing when he was likely to snap.  Veto's fate was sealed, there was no turning back.  I am fortunate to have very supportive friends who assisted me to make arrangements to have him put to sleep the next day.  I had to do everything by text because I couldn't bring myself to actually say the words.  It had to happen the next day otherwise I knew I would have backed out even though I knew there was no other option.  That night was horrendous.  I didn't get any sleep at all.  I took him for his normal walk early in the morning.  I felt like I needed to spend some time with him.  But at the same time I was so angry with him for what he'd done.  He didn't feel right that morning.  There was a reservedness about him that I don't normally see at home.  Whether there was something else going on I will never know. To say goodbye to my old dogs when their time has come has been sad and emotional, but they have been old and lived a long and wonderful life.  To say goodbye to a physically healthy not quite four year old dog is another thing entirely.  It broke my heart and I don't think I'll ever be the same.

I hear people say "you don't always get the dog you want, but you get the dog you need".  I don't agree with that on any level.  I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy.  To bring a puppy into your life, to love and cherish them with everything you have.  Then watch things fall apart, totally out of your control, piece by piece destroying them has been soul destroying.  I worked so hard with him and spent so much time trying to work through all the things that made him worry and be scared but I still failed him.  I admit that I learned more than I ever could have imagined.  I thought I was an OK dog trainer before Veto.  I can certainly teach a dog any trick you can think of.  But there is a whole other side of dog training, knowing when they need you to step in and support them, how to read them and be their advocate.  But the cost of what I learned, the price Veto had to pay just isn't worth it.  I would rather never own another dog than ever go through this ever again.

Living with a dog like Veto was like living with a ticking time bomb.  He was so volatile all of the time.  We spent most of our time feeling like we walking on egg shells to keep him happy.  The house was run with military precision.  There was an order to how everything had to be done to keep the peace.  The order they went in and out of the house, the order they could go into crates, have meals, get walked etc, etc.  My goal every single day was for Ve to have no reactive episodes.  Sometimes we managed it and other days we didn't.  It might have been something so simple like one of the dogs walking past the glass sliding doors when he was outside which would cause him to rush at the doors and react.  It might have been me brushing one of the dogs which would cause him to go for one of the others who happened to be standing nearby.  I had to rush Rain and Cassie to bed every evening past the doors in case he saw them from outside while he was toileting.  Never being able to have Rain lose in the house when he was around was sad.  The only time we could allow it was when Ve had his evening crate time.  I could never let any of the other dogs come up to me while I was sitting down for fear that he would go for them.  You could never leave anything lying around that he might go for one of the other dogs to get.  The list just went on.  But when he played with Rain outside I had never seen him happier.  Which is why this has been so hard to get my head around.  My greatest fear was always for Cassie. I knew that if he really went for her he could easily kill her.  I'd long had a sense of foreboding about that. There was so many things that I saw Cassie do herself because she was worried about him.  We did everything we could to protect her and make sure that she was safe but it only takes one moment or lapse and that could have been it. But we suffered through it because that is what you do.  Even with all that we loved him and he was part of the family. The one comfort I get from all of this is that now all the other dogs are safe. They don't have to worry about him hurting and scaring them anymore.

I've pulled out of most agility things for the time being.  I have three or four agility judging appointments in April and May but I won't be accepting anymore for the time being.  I am also taking a break from teaching.  I can't stand there and teach other people and their puppies with a smile on my face. Rain and I are focusing on doing other things that are just fun and simple with nothing to do with agility. It helps me forget for a while and remember that dog ownership can be fun.  I feel so disillusioned with the sport and where it has taken me.  This experience has really changed everything. I'm sure I will be back.  I am still doing seminars with the two European handlers we have coming out.  But taking a step back for now is what I need.  If Rain wants to do agility then we will see how it goes.  If not we'll continue to do all the fun stuff that we have already started.  The choice will be hers.

I'm sure I will be judged by people for the decision I made with Ve.  But I can't regret it.  I can't feel bad that my other four dogs ae safe and that they now get a chance to live normally.  There is a peace at home now that we haven't felt for a long time.  But we will always miss him and it doesn't change how much we loved him.  I just hope now that he is finally at peace in a place where he doesn't have to feel fear any longer.  Goodbye my beautiful boy 💔